Ted Koppel Out-Ran My Wife !

Shopping Cart Week BONUS:

During our courtship, the current Mrs. Porter often noted for me that her choice in men ran to the cerebral...

No sucker for good looks or a glib line she, I was reminded again and again: she appreciated a man with a strong intellect.  Notwithstanding her passing references in unguarded moments to hunks like George Clooney, Brad Pitt, and their ilk, she pressed this point - that what really excited her was a scholarly man.  Her ideal swain: Ted Koppel.

Koppel: Cerebral

Perhaps this was her way to assure me that, while I must not consider myself a handsome nor captivating escort, I could take consolation and think myself a wise man - after all, what else could explain her wanting my company?

Koppel: Shana Keppola (That hair!)

Now, any canny hyperbole aside, she truly had a "thing" for Ted Koppel.  My theory: I counted my wife among those millions Koppel had no doubt put soothingly to sleep in his days as NIGHTLINE anchor, with that reassuring, somnolent cadence and that trance-inducing 11:30pm timeslot.

Now, in the spring of 2000 I was working closely on an internet (bubble) news venture with Tara Sonenshine, who'd been Koppel's longtime producer at ABC News.  Through Tara, I learned Ted was a neighbor in Potomac, MD - but due to good breeding, I'd never have dreamed of trading on our friendship for a cheap 'hit job.'

Koppel: Dapper

Not so my dear wife. One Friday evening, as we were in the Sutton Place Gourmet supermarket in Bethesda to grab a few items and head home, there in the crosshairs among the flatbread, flavored oils, and porcini mushrooms: TED KOPPEL.  My wife gasped, spluttered, and tried to drag me toward him.  I slipped her grasp.

She closed the gap to six feet and cried out (I liberally paraphrase): "Mr. Koppel, Mr. Koppel! Ohyouaresuchagreatjournalist!!  Ooh,oh! And I always say that if I had to be stuck on a desert island with only one person and it couldn't be my husband, I'd pick you, you, YOU!"

Koppel: Pincer move

Koppel looked quizzical for a second, then my wife blurted out "I'm picking up a few things for shabbos. You too?" (gambling, using the Ashkenazic pronunciation, reaching for the Jewish connection). Oy... 

The picture of grace, Ted cheerily responded, "I'm sure you'll have a wonderful evening - Shabbat shalom!" as he wheeled on his heels to briskly charge away down the nearest aisle before giving any chance for reply.

I helped my wife to catch her breath and make it to the car.  We carried our groceries home, and enjoyed a lovely evening.

Bedtime Hypnotist Koppel

But at 11:30:05 that night, did I catch her standing a-twinkle at the window, looking at the moon....

And seeing . . . Ted?

"... this just in ... " :  ABC moves Nightline to 12:35am